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Knee High Stockings...
...perfect whether you're attending Bob Fosse's funeral...
...uh, something that somehow requires a full-length dress with a hood...
...or you just want to sit around admiring your own knees.
Peds
What is it about Peds that just make a girl want to put on her snazziest wide-leg pants and go running in front of rock formations? Formations that look suspiciously similar to those used in Star Wars, we might add.
This woman's so happy about her Peds she doesn't even notice the giant foot about to stomp her out like a bug.
Queen Size
Well, this is a new one. Although we here at Strange Hosiery have come to accept that packaging designers are under the collective impression that putting on a pair of pantyhose somehow makes women want to go topless, this is the first time we've seen one put on her hose, throw off her top, and take a seat.
Having said that, we have to admit that's a great chair.
Is it us, or does she look like Cybill Shepard?
One Size
Ah, where to start...
We're not sure what part of this we like best.
Her "My hose are better than yours!" pose,
her fabulous 70s wicker chair,
her meth addict coiffure,
or the fact that she's standing in an Isadora Duncan-worthy relevé.
Of course we also like the directions for finding your size, too.
That's right, ladies! All you have to do is move your finger along the squares!
Standing in a Box
Talk about out of the box thinking!
This gal is so excited by her new hose she just can't contain herself.
Charles
Charles was different from the other boys.
Very different.
"The Story of Hosiery"...
...didn't that show at Sundance or are we getting confused with "Welcome to the Dollhouse"?
the Legworks (but the brain doesn't)
So, apparently, in addition to making you want to go topless, hosiery also makes you want to...
...file your nails to a dangerous point...
...stick a flower directly* on the top of your head...
and vapidly stare into space.
*And by "directly," we mean directly. It should look as if you've measured it.
Eros
"And Eros came down from the mountain and proclaimed all women free from irritation*!!!"
*Not to mention skirts, apparently.
Alexander's
Look at me! I figured out how to put on my hose all by myself!!!
You could have knocked me over with a feather!
Silky Kicks
Like most women, when you put on a pair of hose you probably immediately remove anything else you're wearing, cup your boobs in your own hands, and throw your head back in delight.
Apparently these make you also want to try back flips.
We shudder to think what the next frame of this film looked like.
Grant's
Sally hadn't had her new hose on for more than a minute when she felt the need to rush to the nearest English country estate and caress a column with her heel.
Second Skin
Nothing.
Queentex
It wasn't until they started playing Eye of the Tiger that the prom queen realized she'd forgotten underwear again.
Yes! No run
Uh, sorry, we're confused. By "Yes" you mean, no, they won't run, right?
The gauntlet has been thrown...take that, L'eggs!
Knee Hi's
There's no faster way to seduce a man than to throw a blazer over your pajamas,
put on a pair of knee highs (or knee hi's as they've spelled it here), and balance your big toe on a step as awkwardly as possible.
Oh, and if you can get a ficus tree to levitate in the background, that helps, too.
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