Charles

Charles was different from the other boys.

Very different.

According to the sheet of cardboard in the package, Charles was also a real cinematic groundbreaker.

"The Story of Hosiery"...
...didn't that show at Sundance or are we getting confused with "Welcome to the Dollhouse"?

Elizabeth

Hose with mules was the least of Elizabeth's problems.

See?

Camu

Camu: the first choice in hosiery for "working girls" the world over. 

the Legworks (but the brain doesn't)

So, apparently, in addition to making you want to go topless, hosiery also makes you want to...

...file your nails to a dangerous point...

...stick a flower directly* on the top of your head...

and vapidly stare into space.

*And by "directly," we mean directly. It should look as if you've measured it. 

Eros

"And Eros came down from the mountain and proclaimed all women free from irritation*!!!"

                                                      

*Not to mention skirts, apparently.

Alexander's

Look at me! I figured out how to put on my hose all by myself!!!

You could have knocked me over with a feather!

Silky Kicks

Like most women, when you put on a pair of hose you probably immediately remove anything else you're wearing, cup your boobs in your own hands, and throw your head back in delight. 

Apparently these make you also want to try back flips.

We shudder to think what the next frame of this film looked like.

Grant's

Sally hadn't had her new hose on for more than a minute when she felt the need to rush to the nearest English country estate and caress a column with her heel.

Second Skin

There's nothing like a second skin to make you want to put on a work-appropriate outfit, find some incredibly jagged rocks, and taunt the local fish with a twig.

Nothing.

Queentex

It wasn't until they started playing Eye of the Tiger that the prom queen realized she'd forgotten underwear again.